“Lost, lonely and Alone --- callous triad."

 “Lost, lonely and Alone.”

“  callous triad ”

WHO GOT YOU?

“ I need you please stay”

“ stay until I’m okay”

“ stay with me all the time”

“ I need you”

 

Honey, are you okay? How are you these past few days? Do you want somebody to sit with you all the time? Do you?

It is okay ---completely okay--- to ask for help, but too much means too much. It is okay to feel lost and seek validation. It is okay if you wanted to be seen. But too much can become dependence. Be a little cruel to yourself to survive.

People who are dealing with anxiety and panic attack has a really difficult life. And I am one of those people. Every time you experience difficult situations something that would trigger your inner trauma or wound…you’re lost again. You found yourself fighting for life and breathing heavily. A struggle you only could feel until you wanted  not to fight anymore. When your palms are sweaty, toes cold as ice, short breath and even black out.

 The worst part is that during those situation you could smile and gaslighting yourself and no one could notice what you feel. But you know, deep inside you, your heart screams for help.

Cruel right?

 The bravest thing you could do during this time is to ask help. But there is a “but” in asking help. If it is too much that it will make you feel dependent, slap yourself. And always remember that there will never be a gentle slap.

Not all the time someone can always be there for you…because they are freaking depressed too!

I tried being in my lowest and crawled with a turtle-pace back on track and even fell again. And you know what is beautiful in there? The world can wait. The world can wait until you are fine again. The world can wait until you got your sparks back. Until then, kiss the ground and dust it off. Cry your self until you felt fine. If you could cry, do it. Because not able to cry is suffocating. It feels like death.

When one of my close relatives die, I felt too scared. I felt like a damn cat on stray. The next day the college that I have been attending announced that they no longer could cater us. They required us to transfer school. This time, im doomed. This time I lost more than half of my hope, my plans, my mind and myself. When my sparks slowly fading I started doubting everything. I couldn’t even eat, listen to music and take care of myself. This time I NEED HELP! So I sought it and found one.   

But it doesn’t stop there. All of the panic attack and loneliness, emptiness and anxiety keep visiting every night.

The feeling of “ I wanted to escape”, “ somebody hold me ‘till morning”the worst feeling of “ at least somebody sit with me.”

Those thought will never leave because I’m always alone. Sleeping alone. Eating alone. But then i ask myself, who got me?

If you grew up being love, surrounded by a healthy environment and less trouble. Like you are living in a fantasy and keeps escaping reality. It is a death for you if you encounter bad situations when you grow up.

 SO KEEP SHOWING UP!

 

That is why if you are suffering since you are a child, I am telling you, I am so proud of you! Thank you for being here. Thank you for choosing to stay because I need you. Someone out there needs you. You are strong and I am proud of you!

 

If you received help, never abuse it! Help has a limit. They can comfort you but they can’t heal you! HEALING COMES WITHIN!

 

WHO GOT YOU?

You always got yourself!